i always forget about it though. haha.

lately i’ve been having an extremely hard time turning my brain off. specifically when i’m trying to go to sleep. last night i got in bed at 11p and didn’t end up falling asleep (only for an hour) until around 4:30a. i try to think of nothing, or focus on my breathing but my mind goes right back to worrying about ev.ery.thing. my brain races 1000 miles a minute and never stops. what was that noise? is someone trying to break into the house? what if someone did break into the house, where are the closest weapons and how fast could i kick the screen out of the window? is my phone charging? i didn’t feel the twins much today, what if something happened to one of them? what if i go into labor 3 months early? what should i pack in my hospital bag? what are the chances of death during child birth now? what if my kid talks too fucking much and it drives me crazy to the point of ripping my hair out? should i be eating more meat? i need to order the cribs. i need to find a new job. what if joey loses his job for some reason, do we have enough saved up? i don’t think i like the curtains in the bedroom. what if there’s an electrical fire? there’s no way of knowing if stuff like that could happen. would i hear a fire alarm anyway or am i too heavy of a sleeper? i need to do laundry. did i turn the dryer on so joey’s work clothes are dry in the morning? why are there so many spiders in the master bathroom? what if the twins hate me when they get older for giving them stupid names? i wonder if it’s gonna be sunny tomorrow. i need to paint the trim in the bedroom and the twins room. should i have used a whiter white? what time is it?

all that in a span of about 3 minutes. lately i’ve been thinking more about worst-case-scenarios though. like if someone broke into the house, or we got into a car accident, or i fell down stairs when i’m alone and impaled myself on something, or something happened to joey.. how would i react in those situations? i’m always on edge. i feel like i can’t ever relax. i’ve always kind of been like that, a worry-wart and imagining bad scenarios/my reaction, which has came in helpful in the past when shit did hit the fan, but i feel like now that i’m going to be a mom in 4 months (or less) it’s even worse. i know i can’t have control over everything, but how do you even stop yourself from worrying about and planning for situations that will probably never even happen?